The Laytons: Changes

I have been away for a very long time. To be honest, I don't have time for this blog. I just don't. Life is crazy with kids, and there is constantly so much to do yet it feels like nothing ever gets done and the to-do list is never ending. So what gets pushed back? Absolutely, this blog is a front runner. And normally I wouldn't feel bad about it. It's just an extra thing that isn't really necessary. But lately, my feelings have been changing about the necessity of this blog, and I have realized that I need to make it more of a priority every now and then. You see, this is where we always go to look back at the pictures and memories of our family. This is our family journal. I'm not good at doing a personal journal so this is just going to be it. As much as I love all of you friends who read and care about what we are doing, I need to continue this blog for my family. I need my boys to have this to look back on when they are older to read things from their childhood that they might not remember. I don't want them to forget. I don't want to forget. I need my boys to be able to see the immeasurable love Chase and I have always had for them, even when they are teenagers and we aren't always their favorite people. I need them to be able to look back at our experiences together and feel our testimonies that they might be able to find strength in the knowledge that they have a loving Heavenly Father who has always blessed and looked after them and our family, even during difficult times. So in order for me to do that, I need to make some changes to this blog. I am now going to go out of my comfort zone to speak more openly about experiences and feelings that I normally would shy away from for fear of reader judgment. With that said, I will begin in the time period of when I last left the blog. Back in 2013. This will probably be the longest blog post you will ever see in your life, in the history of all blog posts. You have been warned.

Right after my last post, I had the pleasure of attending a Relief Society retreat at the church property in Hulaco. I hate camping, but since it wasn't going to be hardcore camping in a tent, I finally consented to go at the last minute after my friends and Chase kept telling me to go. And, of course, I had a wonderful time and was so glad that I went. There were 10 in our cabin, and I am embarrassed to admit that all the women old enough to be my mom lasted way longer than I did before falling asleep.

My wonderful friends. I need to pause for a moment on this subject before continuing about the retreat. I have some awesome friends. They are an answer to many prayers. A few years ago, I was really struggling with loneliness. Chase was going to school every night for his masters after he got off work. He would leave at 7:30am and come home after 9pm. I didn't have any friends that I talked to or spent time with. I had no socialization and was at home day in and day out with the boys. I was so lonely and was having a really hard time. I know a lot of mothers have felt this way. I would think back on the other times in my life up to that point and never really remembered feeling this way before. I concluded it was because I had always had close friends throughout all the other periods of my life. There really is so much truth when people talk about friendship being vital to your well being. So I prayed for months and months that someone could move here and be my friend. As time went on, a friend I already had at church began asking to do play dates with our kids. That allowed me to socialize with someone, and it really started to help. Then, this same friend and her husband began instituting these "date nights" with several of the couples in our ward at church. Almost all of the wives were girls I had known for awhile and would consider friends but we just didn't do anything together, along with one couple who recently moved to Huntsville. From that and as more time went on, we began spending a lot more time together. It's been a couple of years now and my loneliness and void of friendship has been filled with many wonderful friends that I talk to and spend time with often. I'm so grateful that my prayers were answered. I am also grateful for a husband who recognizes the importance of friendship and encourages me to spend time with them. If he notices I am in need of some girl time, he texts all my friends and sets it up himself and stays home with the boys. Because he is wonderful.

Back to the retreat. We had such a fun time. Archery was a blast. One thing, though, that I will never forget is the ropes course...It looked like fun and no big deal. So I got harnessed up and squared away to begin. I didn't have a second thought about it until I climbed to the top of the platform to begin the course and I. flipped. out. I kid you not. I completely, and literally flipped out. I froze and hugged onto the pole on the platform for a good 20 minutes. Back in the day, I wasn't a scared-y cat. I would have been able to handle this thing with no problem. But when you become a mom, you are no longer living for yourself, and it changes you. It has definitely changed me in many ways, this area included. Roller coasters, airplanes, the second level of the mall, just plain traveling too far out of town, I now struggle with. I also do not want to stay higher than the 3rd floor in a beach condo, and there is absolutely no negotiating that if the kids are with us. I'm full of paranoia and anxiety. So this ropes course had me full blown frantic to get back on the ground. Only problem is that the easiest way to do that from the top is to go through the course and take the zip line down. I ended up having one of the men helping, hold my hand and guide me through the whole thing. I begged him to carry me, but for some reason that wasn't possible. So I became one of those people on reality shows that instantly becomes a baby when they are forced to face a fear and after about 45 minutes and with sheer terror every step of the way, I finally made it to the zip line and did the slowest zip line you have ever seen (that is actually what everyone told me) back down to the bottom. It was not my finest moment. My friends and sister were taking pictures of me for their own amusement. Rude.

And these are a few pictures of what it looks like:

zip line

A couple of weeks after the retreat, Chase and I were thrilled to be able to go on vacation for a few days with several of our friends to Florida. We had so much fun. We stayed in the nicest condo I have ever stayed, enjoyed the beach and pools, played lots of games, and ate good food. One day, when the kids are a little older and I don't struggle so much with leaving them, I want to go on a lot more fun getaways.

Stopped in Birmingham on the way down for Pirate Day at Krispy Kreme. Free dozen each. We had donuts coming out of our ears.

Some cute kid moments:

These were the boys' 2013 Halloween costumes. My sister made Cade a bat costume, and Reece had the best Little Einsteins Rocket costume, which was his obsession for 3 years until just recently.

Cade has really begun to excel in soccer.

He loves to make me flowers out of Legos. It's adorable.

Chase's work Christmas party is always great every year. The kids look forward to the balloon guy, ice skating, caricaturist, and Santa.

No help from Daddy this year.

Reece.....

One thing about Reece is that he is the complete opposite of Cade when it comes to being social and friendly. I don't mean that Reece doesn't enjoy playing with friends because he does. He just does not want to talk to strangers or even people he knows but doesn't see often. Cade would/will talk to anyone and everyone. When he was a baby he would wave and say hi to every single person we saw at the store, and then would get upset if someone didn't hear him and say hi back. Reece will not say hi to anyone. If someone tries to talk to him, he gets this grumpy look on his face and turns away. If he knows and likes you, most of the time, he will be his normal self. (My mom has very recently reminded me that Reece is just like me in this department when I was little, and now I am remembering and things are making a lot more sense.)

He is so adorable. This was before leaving on his first field trip in Pre-K.

The field trip was to see Disney on Ice.

Reece is always getting injuries on his face. This shiner came from tripping on the rug in my room and smacking up against the corner of our bed post. I was in the shower 10 feet away and heard the kind of screaming that you know means something bad. I feel like the almost heart attacks are never ending with boys. I was really glad that he didn't hit his eyeball though.

Christmas 2013, the boys found out they were going to have a sibling. My favorite quotes from that day were Cade saying that "Santa gave Mommy a baby in her tummy for Christmas", and after I told he and Reece to get their coats on to go outside or else they'd get sick, he said, "Yeah, and then babies will start growing in our tummies".

We had a great snow in January of 2014!

Reece and I got to spend good quality time together while Cade was at school that year. I was so sick and wanted to throw up everywhere in this picture, but he was being so cute.

Fell asleep while eating lunch AND still in jammies. You can also tell Reece started getting a little more hair that year. He is 2 1/2 in this picture.

Decorating Valentine's cookies. Only reason cookies ever happened was so I could eat them.

Next, we found out the baby was another boy. We took Cade with us to the ultrasound so that he could see the baby. We tried preparing him for a long time beforehand that we will be so happy no matter what the baby is. He agreed, but then would always add, "But I think it's a sister" and smile. He had been calling the baby a sister ever since we told him about the baby. I don't know why he wants a sister so badly, but he really does. So needless to say, when we all saw his boy parts, Cade just cried. Even still he asks me at least once a week when Heavenly Father will send us a sister. It breaks my heart that I have no control over that for him. I feel like there is so much a boy learns from having a sister. I also feel like Chase needs to experience a girl since he has all brothers and now all boys. I, on the other hand, am comfortable having boys. Although, they are constantly high energy and just plain exhausting, boys have so many wonderful qualities. I love them, and I love how they love me. I really don't know how I would connect with a girl. I knew from the start that this baby was a boy. I felt like I didn't need an ultrasound because I really already knew, and I would tell everyone who asked, "We technically don't know, but it's a boy". Even when we saw, I yelled, "See! And all y'all were doubting me!".

Daddy being creative with big boxes again.

And then we got everything ready to put our house up on the market again. I can't explain the hell that is having your house on the market while having 2 extremely energetic, destructive boys and being pregnant. But despite the stress and difficulty of it, this go around was much, much better than the last. For one, Cade was in school from 8-2:30, which is a huge chunk of the day. During those times, I only had to worry about Reece. For two, I was a lot further along in pregnancy. It's not something many people know about or that I talk about. The first time our house was on the market, I was in my first trimester of pregnancy. I was sick as a dog and had both boys at home. It was so hard on me to get the house ready for showings. And then when we were surprised with the difficult news at my 12 week appointment, it became harder still. Having to deal with termite inspection on that awful day, finding out that the people who had come to see our house 4 times and were deciding between our house and another house had chosen the other house the day of my D&C as well as having a different showing that day, and another showing a couple of days later and more in the coming weeks while still having the boys and my own grievances to deal with were at times unbearable. When I look back on that time and how difficult it was, I am grateful for the strength I received to be able to make it through and the tender mercies I was constantly given from my Heavenly Father to show me He cared about me. I was able to see them often and couldn't believe that He would go out of His way to extend His love in many small but powerful ways. Time has passed but the remembrance and pain of the baby I lost doesn't go away. A loss is a loss no matter what form it is in and is felt as such. I've always had a large degree of compassion for those who experience such losses as I have witnessed the pain of them through family members and loved ones. But it is different when you experience it yourself and are given a more personal understanding of all it entails. My heart aches for those who have experienced it over and over, and many in later stages than I. After already having seen my baby once before who was measuring right on, hearing and seeing the heartbeat that was strong and perfect, dealing with my horrible nausea, and seeing and feeling my belly growing, it was a very hard pill to swallow. To go a little off topic, I am not one to share my personal business with others. I know it has become a very common question for people to ask others when they are going to have a baby/another baby. I would strongly encourage others to not ask this. For one- there are things going on in people's lives that you may be unaware of and asking that question only causes more heartache. For two- it is just not your business. If someone wants you to know that information, then they will tell you by choice. Another question that I have been shocked at how many times I've been asked over the years is if my pregnancy was planned or not. Absolutely, absolutely none of your business. Your job is to give congratulations, and that is it. I just needed to let that out.

I am able to look back now and know for various reasons that the timing was not right- for baby and for moving. It doesn't make it easier, but helps my outlook to know that someone else is in charge who knows better than myself. In the months between having our house on the market for the first and second time, our plans for what area of town we were going to move changed a lot. Where we wanted to move the first time, we came to feel, wasn't right. A house that fit our family the way we wanted wasn't quite in our reach at the time. And several other reasons,

So back to our second go around with having our house on the market and expecting our 3rd baby. We were incredibly blessed in our second attempt of having our house on the market. We were averaging 2, sometimes 3, showings in a week. About a month and a half after putting it up, much to our relief and excitement, we went under contract. We had exactly 30 days until closing. We needed to find another house very fast. We began looking at houses and disappointment really started to set in. On the top of our wish list was 4 bedrooms, a play room, and a decent sized backyard all in a specific area because we wanted to stay in our current ward boundaries for church. I could compromise on other things, but that was what we really needed for the boys. I knew we weren't going to be able to get the space I would have really wanted in our price range unless we found an older home that needed a lot of updating (which I was willing to do for the space), but even trying to find those top 3 things in our wishlist weren't happening. Until we decided to look at a house that I had written off long ago because it was over our price range. We noticed that it was listed as a foreclosure (although it turned out not to be, but the bank did own it), so we thought there might be potential to get the price down. It was a new home that had never been occupied and had been on the market for awhile. So we went to see it, and I was in love. I couldn't believe the space it offered in just the areas that we needed and then some. It was new so it didn't need to be gutted which was very attractive to a 7 month pregnant woman. We felt it was perfect for us, but I didn't want to get my hopes up because it was a long shot. Miraculously (very miraculously), we were overjoyed when we actually heard back from the bank rather quickly, the negotiating was over, and we had been able to get it in our price range AND would close on it the exact same day as our other house. It really was so amazing how wonderfully everything went for us with the whole process. As we prayed for help with selling our house and getting into a new one, Chase and I kept getting feelings that everything was going to work out. And, oh, how it did. Even down to little things during the move like needing mattresses for the boys, and asking my mother-in-law (who works for an estate sale company) to keep an eye out for some and getting a call from her minutes later saying how weird that was that I just asked for that because they were doing a house that day that had 2 brand new, never used twin mattresses. There were so many other things like that that were too perfect to have just been by chance. We were able to close on both homes, move into our new home, and get mostly unpacked before the baby was to come a month and a half later. What a huge blessing that was.

Our new house. The boys love the new house. Reece did have a hard time for awhile with wanting to go home to the "little house", especially when it was time to sleep. He kept saying that the big house wasn't his home, the little house was. It took quite awhile, but after 7.5 months, he doesn't say much about the little house anymore. My favorite thing about the new house is the ginormous closets. We have such great storage space that we haven't had to put a single thing in the attic yet.

Silly

About a week after moving into our new home, Cade graduated from Pre-K. Kids wearing those little caps and gowns are the cutest.

He really had a great year, and as the teacher and co-teachers would tell me how he was at school, it made me so happy and so proud of him. I ran into one of the co-teachers at the store one day, and she told me how much she just loved Cade and how he was really going places with his personality and his knowledge. She really surprised me when she started talking about how much she just loved his testimony and how the kids sometimes would start talking about Jesus among themselves, and Cade knew so much and had such wonderful things to say. She said, "The things that would come out of his mouth just made me want to run out of the room yelling Jesus's name!". I am so proud of him. The Pre-K class that he was in was a class consisting of 50% special needs children and 50% typical children, as they called them. I was a little worried at first because I didn't know how it would be, but that was the best class. It was a wonderful experience for Cade to be around, help, be an example to, and love other children all while learning and having fun at school.

This was his teacher, Ms. Diana. We LOVED her. I mean LOVED. She is just the right amount of stern and lovable all wrapped up in one. And one thing I really loved is that she doesn't sugarcoat anything just because the parent is around. She acts the same in front of you as she does in the classroom, and the kids learn how to behave and what is expected and love her all at the same time. Reece is excited to hopefully have her next year.

Fun in the pool

Celebrating Chase's 32nd birthday. How I love him.

On July 1st (2 days after my due date), sweet baby boy was born at 8 lbs 9 ounces and 20 1/2 inches long. Every time, I am so relieved when the baby arrives safely, even when the aftermath of child birth is always horrendous for me. This baby surprisingly didn't look anything like Cade and Reece. When Reece was born, and the doctor laid him on me, I remember saying, "Woah, you look exactly like your brother". But this baby had strawberry blonde hair and didn't look like them at all. I also really started to worry because he screamed for an hour and a half straight when he was born. Nothing Chase or I did would make him stop. Cade never cried (which actually worried me because they took him to do whatever to him and wrap him up before letting me see him, and I asked if he was okay because he didn't cry). Reece was instantly put on me, started to cry a little, but as soon as I started talking to him he calmed down and was just fine. This baby just cried and cried and cried and wouldn't stop. I was freaking out that he was going to have a difficult personality (thankfully, that has not been the case). Even my doctor (since he was there for an hour taking care of me) kept saying he was the worst crying baby he'd ever delivered.

We also didn't know what to name him. Chase and I each had a name picked out and could not come to an agreement the whole pregnancy. I fought and fought against his name (which we ended up using). The fact that he didn't look like the other boys wasn't helping either. The baby didn't have a name for 2 days after he was born. The night before we left the hospital, we prayed a lot about it. Another name got thrown into the mix. But in the end, and with reluctance on my part, we both knew that Crew was the right name. I did feel a little better after seeing his pediatrician, my OB, and nurses reactions and comments about how much they liked his name. It took me a couple of weeks before I could actually call him by his name, but now I have come to love it.

His middle name is Clark after Chase's grandpa who passed away this past year on Chase's birthday and Father's Day, June 15th. He was such a good, sweet man, and we had decided even before his passing that the baby's middle name would be after him.

It's amazing how when you have a baby, you have so much love for that child, you feel like your heart is going to burst. But that doesn't mean having a newborn is easy. It's hard. Very, very hard. I don't understand the people who just bounce back and are out and about and acting normal a week or 2 later. It's nowhere close to that for me. The thought of doing anything, even getting on facebook, is overwhelming to me. And the problem is not postpartum depression. It really is the normal trying to adjust, heal (and all of those issues), trying to nurse (which I won't even go into that huge difficulty), and just plain survive on very minimal amounts of sleep all while caring for other children. I never realized just how much a mother really sacrifices for her children until I became one. I always worry about the wives my boys will choose, and I so badly hope that they will be selfless women in every way.

I will say though that the transition from 1 to 2 children was harder for me than 2 to 3. Having Cade and Reece to entertain each other has been very helpful. But most of it is due to the fact that Crew has been a MUCH easier baby than the other boys. As a newborn, he would actually sleep a 2 or 3 hour stretch, which Cade and Reece never, ever would come close to doing. Crew is fine with being put down for awhile- in his basket, his swing, wherever. The other boys would never let me put them down. I never understood how anyone ever used a swing or bouncy seat for babies because my babies were not impressed. It always seemed as though their brains would never shut off, and they wanted human stimulation and movement at ALL times. At nap time (for Cade), when Reece was a baby, I would be so incredibly tired, but Reece would not sleep at all unless I was holding him and moving. So I would hold him and sit in the recliner in his room and rock back and forth while closing my eyes just wanting a minute or two of rest. But if I ever dozed off and stopped rocking, Reece would wake up instantly and demand movement. I would do laps around the house all day just holding and bouncing. Even as they got older, they didn't care about baby toys or bouncers or anything that typically holds a baby's attention. Church was awful because you could never sit in sacrament meeting or classes because they did not want to be still, even at 2 months old. Someone would always have to walk the halls with them. I remember having such a hard time after Reece, one day as I was crying with so much frustration and exhaustion, Chase hugged me and asked if I wanted to have anymore kids. Of course that just made me cry more because I felt like these circumstances weren't fair. It has been so wonderful to have a baby who will actually sit in my lap happily, who is actually entertained by toys, who sleeps like a typical baby. I have loved each of my babies so, so much, but I feel like I am actually satisfying Crew, that I'm actually doing something right, and it helps me to be able to really enjoy him.

Always having to be creative in what to do with all the time spent at home after mom has a baby.

Reece also turned 3 years old 4 days after Crew was born. This boy is just so stinking cute all the time. He has so much personality. My favorite is the way that he talks. He can't pronounce R's or L's and has a little bit of a lisp with S's, and it's adorable. He refers to himself as "Weecey" because we call him Reecey or Reecer most of the time. Because we have nicknames for him, it's funny how he tries to call Cade by a nickname. He tried "Cade-y" for awhile, but Cade would get mad and say, "My name is not Katie!". So Reece, for awhile now, has called Cade, Cade-a (short 'a' sound). Like Cade though, Reece has always talked extremely well for his age. Cade's Pre-K teacher last year (when Reece was 2) would ask me every time he would talk if I was sure he wasn't going to be 4 next year because he was already smart enough to be in her class. I also love how he says "last morning" about anything that happened yesterday, last week, 2 months ago, or any time in the past- it's all last morning. "I went to Zaida's last morning" (2 weeks ago). "Baby Cwew smiled at me last morning" (2 minutes ago). He is a mischievous instigator with the sole mission to destroy and throw everything.

The most adorable hat made by one of my many talented friends.

I know there are a lot of people who would scoff at this, but I can't help but wonder if Crew's calmer nature has anything to do the changes I made in my prenatal care. Even in the womb, he was not as active as Cade and Reece. When I had Cade, everyone would tell me that he was just my difficult baby and that the chances of having another baby like that were very slim. But then when I had Reece and he was exactly like Cade, I knew it had to be something about our genes. It wasn't until my dad came to me one day when Reece was a baby trying to offer help with my stress that he told me that he had ADD along with my older brother. I felt anger and relief all at the same time. Anger that this had never been discussed in our family. Relief that this might help me find information to help me understand my boys. I went through a long quest of research after that. Read some books, talked to a couple doctors, learned a lot. After understanding it more, I was better able to understand possibly why my boys acted the way they did while realizing a lot of things about myself and other members of my family. Absolutely my dad and brother had ADD, and I am sure I have a touch of it as well. My difficulties learning when I was a kid and other traits make a lot more sense. So my research quest continued on what to do to help parent my boys if this were something they had as well. I won't get into all of that, but I was able to notice a couple of things that helped a little nutrition wise. Over time, I worked on cutting out artificial colors from our house and added fish oil supplements. I've never been a sugary cereal or candy buyer so that wasn't hard to eliminate those. I am also a huge homemade foods person, but there are a lot more things with artificial colors in them than you realize. Now, I have relaxed a little on allowing them to have a treat every once in awhile that someone gives them that has it in it. But I limit that, and I absolutely won't buy it myself and work hard to find better alternatives.

So anywho, after awhile of this, and starting to think about another baby, I started to think that if I were making this change for my young boys, I should definitely do the same for a growing baby. If this were in my genes, I did not want to do anything in pregnancy to help that gene along. I eliminated artificial colors and added fish oil to my own diet to prepare my body. Finding a good quality prenatal vitamin that didn't have food coloring and other additives in it was difficult as well since most are coated in Red 40 to help them go down easier. I did a ton of research to find the highest quality fish oil that was safe to take with pregnancy since fish oil is an excellent source of DHA which is extremely important for a developing brain. Since I hate, hate, hate all forms of seafood, my diet lacks considerably in omega 3s. I also added a whole foods capsule called Juice Plus to my diet which is juice powder from 17 fruits and veggies. I had already researched it about a year before, saw the value in it, and knew I wanted my family to have it eventually but didn't think we could afford it yet. After reading a study done on pregnant women who took Juice Plus during their pregnancies and having just had a miscarriage and wanting to make sure I was completely healthy, I didn't care the cost anymore. I wanted it no matter what. So I added that to the prenatal and fish oil I was already taking a few months before becoming pregnant with Crew and continued to take them all every day my entire pregnancy. I ate lots of fruits and vegetables which my body craved, did not eat anything containing food coloring (even the nasty orange drink for the glucose test at 28 weeks. My OB's office searched for a lab that had a clear drink instead), did not drink a caffeinated drink (I'm not a soda drinker anyways), and did not take a single medication during my pregnancy (which was amazing that I stayed healthy my entire pregnancy. I also experienced one headache at 7 weeks and that was it. ONE. That never happens.) And you know, maybe it could be that Crew was just blessed with an easier temperament, but I feel very strongly that I was lead in acquiring this knowledge and that it has played some part in Crew's development.

He loved being swaddled more than anything, and it was amazing how much it would calm him. We recently (at 5 months) had to wean him from his swaddle when he began rolling everywhere. I was a little sad about it.

Very grateful for my friend Misty who would take the boys to play and do fun stuff.

Finally, the first day of school arrived. We were all ready. The kids were so tired of being couped up, and I needed a break from them. Cade started Kindergarten this year. His year started out with a teacher who I heard nothing but excellent things about. After 3 weeks of school though, he suddenly had to resign due to health issues. Cade's class had a sub for awhile until a new teacher was found. So Cade had 3 different teachers all within a couple of months. But he enjoys school and does very well there. Reece also started going to pre-school this year. He goes 3 days a week for 3 hours and loves it.

He is such a happy baby who smiles non-stop. He really is just a joy.

Cade's first time feeding Crew. He was so proud of himself. He excitedly told me that he could feed Crew all the time so that I could get stuff done. That excitement didn't last long.

I've also been thrilled with how much Cade and Reece love Crew. Much to our surprise, never once have they said anything negative about him or showed any sense of jealousy. They loved him immediately. They love to talk to him in high pitched voices, 'pet' his head, and kiss him. Reece will say, "Mom, I weawy, weawy wike Baby Cwew", almost every day. Sometimes he adds, "We can keep him" or "He's so cute". You should hear Reece talk to him and say, "Hi, Baby Boyyyyy", in very, very high 3 year old voice.

First time to ride a bike.

Cade also ran in his first one-mile Fun Run that Huntsville Hospital holds every year. He was so excited to do it. We always knew he was a fast kid, but we didn't realize he was this fast.