With both of my babies, sleep has been a constant battle and something that doesn't come very easily or often to say the least. My first baby was constantly fussy and never slept. I figured that was rare and that my chances of having a 2nd baby that way were slim. But lo and behold- my 2nd baby is an exact clone of his older brother. The constant frustration and sheer exhaustion just get to be more than I can handle at times. I can never quite understand what I'm doing wrong. I always thought babies slept a lot. The information page that my pediatrician recently gave me says that it is normal for a baby of Reece's age to sleep 16 or more hours in a day. To which I laugh (or cry, really) because neither one of my babies have ever even done half of that. And to add to the lack of sleep, my babies are very fussy and constantly wanting to be held while I move around-whether it be bouncing, swaying, or walking. I can't let the swing, bouncy seat, or car seat take my place because he will scream his head off for as long as I leave him there, it just gets louder and more intense the longer I let it go on.
I remember when I was pregnant with Cade, he was so incredibly active. I even asked my OB if that meant he was going to be a really hyperactive kid. He said no, but of course, that is just what Cade has turned out to be. So when Reece was just as active as Cade in the womb, I knew we were in for round 2.
A few weeks after Reece was born, I was looking up something in one of those Baby's First Year books that my pediatrician gave me. I came across a section about different reasons why a baby fusses. It listed the normal things like gas, being hungry, colic, etc. But there was a small paragraph titled "hyperalert or high-needs infant". What it said in that tiny little paragraph sounded just like my babies. So my research started and what I have found fits my babies to the T.
Here are some of the characteristics of a hyperalert/high-needs baby in a nutshell (keep in mind a lot of these words are not my own, but I have added some of my own comments along with as an example. I don't feel like taking the extra time to properly cite all the sources, but a lot of it comes from Dr. Sears who wrote the book, "The Fussy Baby".) :
- They need a lot of help falling asleep and staying asleep. They have a really hard time reaching a deep sleep and often wake up in between the transition of sleep stages.- So I can't lay him down until I have taken at least a good 30 minutes to get him into a deep sleep state or else he will wake up. And even if I do get him into a deep sleep, it doesn't insure he will sleep longer than 15 minutes. Or if I misjudge it and try to put him down too soon, he will become wide awake and then I have to try to start all over again. It is extremely hard to take the time and energy needed to constantly try to get him in that deep sleep because I have another child that can't be ignored all day.
- Awakens frequently. Will start falling asleep and then will jerk, open his eyes, and be wide awake no matter how tired he is.
- Seems overly tired which makes trying to get him to sleep even harder
- Persistent restlessness
- Sleeps in short 15-30 minute catnaps, usually while someone is holding or carrying them.- Whether I hold him or put him down while he sleeps, it's only going to last about 15-20 minutes.
- Constantly wants to be in motion and held. But he hates to be left in a swing, bouncy seat, car seat, etc. He craves human touch and movement. "Holding is not enough; the holder must keep moving."
- Not a self-soother- "They want to interact with people, not things. Parents will often report, 'He just can't relax by himself.' High need babies need help to fall asleep. They must learn to trust their parents to help them."
- Tend to cry more than other babies. Always fussy.
- The muscles and mind of high need children are seldom relaxed or still.
- Hypersensitive to noise- "High need babies are keenly aware of the goings-on in their environment. 'Easily bothered,' 'quickly stimulated,' 'like walking on eggshells' is how parents describe their sensitive babies."- Every single noise wakes Reece up. Which means any chance of him sleeping while Cade is awake is virtually impossible.
- Don't transition easily- They don't go from arms to crib, or arms to car seat, etc. very easily. Most of the time he will wake up and be wide awake from then on.
- Often have hypersensitive intestines (both of my boys have had acid reflux and have been colicky).
- Hyperactive
All I've been thinking about is what causes this to happen? And how is it that I have two of these babies?? No one is really sure what causes this hyperalert-ness. Some think it's due to pain medication taken by the mother when pregnant or from high blood pressure. Some think it's due to a traumatic experience the mother experienced when pregnant to cause her to have anxiety, which in turn causes the babies nervous system to go into overdrive. None of those reasons may be true, but my theory is that if anxiety plays any part, then more than likely, my babies are hyperalert because of my constant anxiety (not accompanied with a traumatic experience). This also may mean that it is a good chance that all of my babies will be like this as well because I don't know how to just turn off my anxiety switch.
Although I'm having a really hard time, I feel the one who is suffering the most is Cade. I can't give him all the attention that he needs, and I can tell it is really affecting him. I can't help but to think that if Reece slept more, I could at least have that time to completely devote to Cade so he didn't feel so slighted. I put Reece down as much as possible and just let him scream so I can at least go to the bathroom, or maybe take a shower, get Cade dressed and fed, etc. But after awhile, the screaming gets to be grading on all of us, and even Cade will say, "Mommy, hold Baby Reece, please". So most days are spent pacing the house and bouncing Reece to try to keep him from being so fussy. Most of the time all I can do for Cade is just turn on the TV, which is awful and I hate it, and after awhile, so does Cade. He hates to be cooped up and has to be active. Cade has been acting out a lot, pitching fits constantly, being defiant, etc. which is so different from his normal, sweet nature. I know a lot of this is normal behavior when a 2nd child is born, and he is also getting into the terrible 3's stage. But a lot of the time, I really don't blame him because I know he's not getting what he needs. I get really upset because I don't have as much patience with him right now either. I can't help but to feel like I'm failing as a mother, and I just pray that this doesn't have any lasting affects on him. I have been trying to be as normal as I can, for my sanity, but mostly for Cade's. I try to take the kids somewhere, doesn't matter where, but just somewhere out of the house most days. But that can be really overwhelming, too.
After I had Cade, it was really hard for me to handle some of the comments made to me. People would try to tell me what I was doing wrong or just say that it's just because I'm a first-time mom and I don't know what I'm doing yet, but deep down, I knew that the problem wasn't just that I was inexperienced. My child did not sleep more than about 4 hours total a day! That had absolutely nothing to do with whether or not I completely knew what I was doing yet. I would get extremely upset and feel like maybe I wasn't cut out for motherhood. But in my heart, I knew that wasn't true either. But now that I have a second just like Cade, I've come to the realization that until one has a baby like this, that they aren't really going to understand, so I have to try to not take anything personally. Just like I can't fully understand someone elses situation because I have not experienced it. All I can do is sympathize with them and not judge what someone else is going through.
So my whole point in writing this is because I need everyone to understand. I'm not crying for help or advice or whining about my situation. I just need people to understand that I'm struggling and I'm not myself right now. I'm irritable, beyond exhausted, frustrated, stressed, feeling helpless, and a lot of the time at my breaking point. I need everyone to understand that I'm not trying to be a bad friend or seem awkward when you talk to me. I'm not trying to be distant or not be at someone's aid to help in time of need. In all truth, I'm just trying to keep my head above water so I probably am not noticing things that I should. So please don't get offended if I've neglected you or anything of that sort. I will eventually come around.
The good news about all of this is that it doesn't last forever. These traits (or "symptoms" some call them) lessen over time. For Cade, the fussiness seemed to gradually get better when he became mobile, and he started sleeping better at night when he was 8 months old. One night we put him down for what we thought was going to be his usual 30 minute nap. It was 7pm, and we hadn't put pajamas on him, fed him, or even changed his diaper. But he didn't wake up until 6am the next morning! Ever since then we put him down at 7pm and he would sleep all night. Hallelujah! He started taking longer than 30 minute naps during the day when he was almost 11 months. So knowing that it will eventually get better is what is keeping me going. And there are also some rewarding personalities traits that come out when they become toddlers and older.
Despite all this, I know we are very blessed because we could have it a lot worse. For one, I am very privileged to be even be able to bring these babies into the world. Who am I to complain if my babies are challenging when there are so many women who struggle with being able to have any children at all and would do anything to have a baby, even if he didn't sleep. For two, my babies are healthy. There are so many who are not and my heart aches for those children and their families who have a really hard time because of it.
It may be that the rest of our babies are just like Cade and Reece. And it may be difficult for awhile, and we may not be able to handle as many kids as we thought we wanted (more like, I thought I wanted), but we do not feel our family is complete yet. So struggle we will for the family we desire. It will all be rewarding in the end.
